


Thou Shalt Not Bliss a Baby

by wanderingwonderer



Category: Far Cry 5
Genre: Bedtime, F/M, Family Fluff, Fluff, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:15:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27106324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wanderingwonderer/pseuds/wanderingwonderer
Summary: Marry the love of his life? Check. Have the Deputy locked up for the next seven years somewhere he could do no harm? Check. Everything else would be easy, right?Clearly John hadn't counted on his most difficult opponent being Eden - his baby daughter.
Relationships: Female Deputy | Judge/John Seed
Kudos: 33





	Thou Shalt Not Bliss a Baby

**Author's Note:**

> You best believe that "Oh, John" came on as I was putting this up to publish.

Rook looked up as John shut the bedroom door behind him and walked over to the bed. “Is something —“

“Our daughter is a psychopath!” John stated as he threw himself down on the mattress and glared at the ceiling.

“Gets it from her father then,” Rook said lightly. When John sent her a flatly unimpressed look, Rook put her book down and leaned towards him. “Fine. Apart from the fact that she’s related to…” Here, Rook waved a hand, a motion which she clearly meant to encompass John and his entire family. “What exactly has you calling our daughter a psychopath?” she asked.

John let out a long suffering sigh as he threw his hands into the air. “She just - She _won’t_ go to sleep!”

Rook looked at her husband.

And then at the floor of their bedroom.

Eyes fixed to the laminate flooring, designed to look like expensive wooden floorboards - because of course John had been very involved with the interior design of a _nuclear bunker_ \- Rook took a breath and spoke very slowly. “You’re calling our _daughter_ \- the daughter you’ve _doted_ upon since before she was born - a full-blown psychopath because she _won’t go to sleep_?” Rook dragged her gaze upwards to the man on the bed and stared at John as if he had gone insane. Honestly, she wouldn’t have been surprised, what with the lack of sleep Eden had given them over the past six months, longer if she counted the pregnancy. She half-expected another infomercial any day now.

Not that there was much of an audience in the apocalypse.

“That’s how it starts!” John cried as he shot up like a springboard. “All the little things before it turns into one big thing and she’s… she’s —“

“Stringing up bodies in a bunker and building big signs of a certain three letter word?” Rook supplied helpfully. Well, she thought she was being helpful.

John disagreed.

“Or maybe she’s kidnapping people and conditioning them with a music box? I mean, for a baby, I’d be very impressed,” Rook allowed. “I mean, those verbal skills and motor skills at six months? She might just be the Second Coming.” Rook paused. "Except I remember the conception and I am most definitely _not_ a virgin."

“You’ve made your point, darling,” John said sharply.

“My point, sweetheart, is that our daughter is following in your family’s footsteps. Maybe she’ll even end up abducting somebody ‘for their own good’.” Rook had to put that one in there - it had been nearly a year since the Deputy had targeted her for her relationship with the youngest Seed brother.

John had, understandably, not reacted very well when his followers had broken into one of the Deputy’s cabins and found several photos of Rook pinned to the walls. He had flown into a rampage when it had also been revealed that the Deputy had followed Rook to one of her midwife appointments.

Jacob, ever the protective uncle, had soon put an end to whatever nefarious plans the Deputy had.

“I took you for your own protection from that insane Deputy who was going around blowing things up and who tried to arrest my brother! Your brother-in-law!” John turned his glare onto the opposite wall. “He was about to go after you to get to me. It’s a good thing Jacob managed to lure him into the Whitetails. Anyway! It’s not my fault you fell asleep during the car journey and thought you’d been kidnapped again when you woke up.”

Rook just waved a hand. “It wasn’t exactly a stellar way to tell me that you did, in fact, own a nuclear bunker. Or that instead of a lawyer who moonlights as a baptist, you’re actually a baptist moonlighting as a lawyer. Probably conversations we should have had before you proposed." Rook shrugged. "But I digress.”

“Please do.” John was determined not to relent - he was, as Joseph might put it, in a sulk and he would continue to sulk for a good while yet. His resolve lasted until Rook wrapped her arms around John’s chest from behind and she rested her chin on his shoulder.When she pressed a kiss to his cheek, John practically melted. His sulk had lasted less that a minute.

“How bad was it?” Rook asked softly as she knelt on the bed behind her husband. She knew exactly how difficult it was to get their daughter to actually go to sleep. She’d sought advice from Nick and Kim so many times over the months and knew it was a trend which would continue for a good while.

John had started to feel guilty about not being there for bedtimes for Eden, even though his wife had assured him that all he was missing was a literal battle to get Eden to stop wriggling for five seconds so she could be put in her pjs. Regardless, he had said he would take over bedtimes for a little while.

Give Rook a chance to relax.

Nicki had almost choked on his drink when he'd heard the news before Kim had dragged him away. His parting words had been ‘ _Good luck, Seed_ ’ - arguably, not something anybody would have expected to ever leave Nick Rye’s mouth. However, these were the end times, after all.

John had thought he wouldn’t need luck. He was Eden’s father - and Eden was _perfect_.

It would be easy, right?

As John sat on the bed, he finally truly understood the meaning of hubris. “Every time I thought she was asleep, she’d make a noise and she was just _staring at me and smiling_ ,” John lamented. He felt more exhausted than when he'd had to administer the most taxing baptisms. “She closed her eyes and I thought she’d finally gone down for the night and she _giggled_! Clearly you can’t chloroform or use Bliss on a baby —“

Rook pulled back to glare down at the top of John’s head. “ _Clearly_.”

“— but the last time I was so tempted by a thought, Eden came along nine months later.”

Rook barely swallowed a laugh. “Right. Good to know. Is she asleep now?”

John nodded. “I had a thought and… Well, it worked.” John tilted his head to look up at his wife. “I found a recording of one of Joseph’s sermons and started playing that.”

Rook’s lips quirked upwards. “And?”

“…She fell asleep after two minutes.”

**Author's Note:**

> You also best believe that Rook's gonna make sure that Eden's first word is "No", just to see the way John's left eye will inevitably twitch.
> 
> Come bother me on Tumblr @ idrathershipocs.


End file.
